This week, because I like to trailblaze with only truly unique and original column ideas, I am sharing with you my New Year's resolutions.
Stop saying 'amazing'
Far be it from me to whinge about the natural development of language - after all, I've embraced 'totes' with all the enthusiasm of a hungry puppy - but 2012 must be the year that everything stops being amazing.
Some things can still be amazing, of course; childbirth, views from tops of mountains, Katie Price's career trajectory. But it needs to stop being the default word we all reach for. "How's that sandwich, Bob?" "Amazing." "How was your holiday, Susan?" "Amazing." Was it? Was it REALLY? Or was it, in fact, a fairly standard beach vacation during which everybody had the runs? Was the sandwich TRULY awe-striking, or was it a moderately pleasant assembly of bread, cheese, and not-quite-enough-chutney?As well as becoming irksome through overuse, the word's a social error - people don't want to hear that everything you've done has been amazing. They want to hear that it was nice, but the toilet facilities/weather/company were a bit lacking, and then feel better about their own lives.
Instead, I shall reclaim other words. 'Teriffic' might get an outing. 'Brill', perhaps. Who knows, maybe 'rad' will make a comeback. The possibilities are endless, guys! Let's talk more words.
Save money, in a bank
'Investing' in my taxidermy collection does not count.
Go to the dentist
I haven't been to the dentist since the age of *cough*. That means my teeth have gone unattended for a slightly shocking *cough* years, while I've carried merrily on dousing them in sugar and using them to cut sellotape like a set of invincible person-shears.
I'm not proud of this (I am slightly), but since I stopped being a student, it's taken me a while to get my head around having to pay for dental care. Partly because, in my ignorance, I had always thought 'NHS' meant 'free', but also because it's forking out cash for an experience I will find humiliating, and likely painful. I didn't visit a hairdresser for eight years for precisely the same reason.
However, for several months now one of my top molars has been giving me a bit of gip. Quite a lot of gip. And while I'm fully prepared to make chewing on only one side of my mouth my 'thing', I reckon I should probably get it checked before the whole thing turns black and falls out. If I don't take a sticker at the end, can I get a discount?
Spend my Christmas money on a mattress topper from John Lewis
Save money, in a bank
'Investing' in my taxidermy collection does not count.
Go to the dentist
I haven't been to the dentist since the age of *cough*. That means my teeth have gone unattended for a slightly shocking *cough* years, while I've carried merrily on dousing them in sugar and using them to cut sellotape like a set of invincible person-shears.
I'm not proud of this (I am slightly), but since I stopped being a student, it's taken me a while to get my head around having to pay for dental care. Partly because, in my ignorance, I had always thought 'NHS' meant 'free', but also because it's forking out cash for an experience I will find humiliating, and likely painful. I didn't visit a hairdresser for eight years for precisely the same reason.
However, for several months now one of my top molars has been giving me a bit of gip. Quite a lot of gip. And while I'm fully prepared to make chewing on only one side of my mouth my 'thing', I reckon I should probably get it checked before the whole thing turns black and falls out. If I don't take a sticker at the end, can I get a discount?
Spend my Christmas money on a mattress topper from John Lewis
Because this is the kind of adult I will be now.
Be a better person
Be a better person
I would tell you in great detail how I plan to achieve this point, but sadly I've reached my word count. So I shall leave it to your imagination instead.
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